Greer and I had always been fortunate from the time when Grant was born, and continued with Garrett, to have parents who were involved and willing to take their grandchildren for a night or two or seven. We never took it for granted, but often took advantage of it. We saw it as a win, win, win…we enjoyed the alone time, the grandparents couldn’t get enough of their grandchildren and the boys just adored their abuelo and abuelas. But we took them (and us) away from all of that, and we were on our own. What were we thinking?????????????
From the outset of our trip, it has been a 24/7 experience. Whether it was a rafting trip into the jungle or shopping at the MegaMaxi (the equivalent of WalMart) for groceries, we travelled as a pack. As we navigated and negotiated the ins and outs of Ecuador and Spanish, we figured that there was strength in numbers. So, for the first month, from the mundane – getting our visas and registering the boys for school, to the traumatic – Grant’s emergency appendectomy, we spent a lot of time together. And if nothing else, our children had to survive being with their parents 24/7. That in and of itself qualifies them for some sort of award. For the most part, they played video games, discussed complex game theories, fought or just generally annoyed/amused their parents. However, they had each other and built on their love-hate relationship. As Garrett explained it, “we aren’t arguing, that’s just how we communicate.” Boys will be boys.
All this togetherness would shift significantly when the boys went to school and Greer and I started work, yet, that was not without its issues. In addition to the 24/7 – 365 togetherness Greer and I had, add on the 9 to 5 of a workday. Spouses working together under ideal circumstances is challenging at best, but in this environment it can be claustrophobic, smothering, and fatal. Okay – somewhat dramatic – so it’s not claustrophobic… That being said, we made a pretty good team and we were able to use each of our talents to produce a great work product, even if we didn’t always appreciate each other’s “talents.”
All this family time gave us some very memorable (and not so memorable) moments as well. There was the time when Garrett (our 11-year-old) exclaimed, “That was the most educational week of my life!” Was this in reference to one of our many trips to such historically and biologically significant places like Machu Picchu or the Galapagos Islands – no – it was a week he spent last summer with his older brother and other middle school boys. And it’s not the type of education that is appropriate for a PG rated blog. Suffice it to say his parents were shocked and somewhat traumatized (yet rather enlightened) by his revelations. But it was a great moment that was revealed because of all of our togetherness. Then there was the reaction of my family when during my George of the Jungle move - I swung on a vine – only to have it snap from my excess weight and toss me listlessly to the ground- I will never live that down (fortunately in this You Tube world – there is no video of it:) While my family laughed hysterically, it was the staff of the rafting adventure team that showed concern for my safety.
There were many expectations for our adventure. Our hope as parents was that Grant and Garrett would establish life-long friendships with their Ecuadorian classmates at their new school; it was unanimous that the boys would have a good experience there, yet the best laid plans… Instead of being a source of comfort and friendship, school was a cause of frustration and ridicule. As a result, Grant and Garrett relied on each other as sources of support and security. They were each other’s best friend, confidant, playmate and sparring partner. Yet this overreliance on each other was not always pleasant. It was also around this time when Grant made his Facebook post, which I adopted as the title of my blog - Ecuador is a lonely place for a gringo - a sentiment that undoubtedly was felt by all of us. However, it’s nothing that years of therapy can’t correct.
As the year progressed, we relied more and more on each other for comfort, support and friendship. And as if we did not have enough of this togetherness, we spent the month of February traveling together on 7 – 9 hour bus rides and spending much of our time four to a room. We’d either end up loving…or hating…each other. Fortunately it was the former.
It was during this trip that Grant realized the injustice of it all that as parents we get to make ALL of the decisions and my decision to pay a ridiculously high prices for my (Starbucks!) coffee and not to pay equally ridiculous prices for his (Starbucks) drink is tantamount to the injustice of the biblical punishment of death for a child who disobeys his parent. Yet the more likely punishment for such disrespect - the removal of all electronic devices - was seen as equally unjust. And in spite of all the joys of travel, it was also where Garrett pegged it best when he said… “I miss the familiarity of Montclair,” and then he went even further back, to when he was born (prematurely)… “the comfort of my incubator, where I was kept warm…and when I cried, I was fed – with no effort on my part.” There were moments when we all felt like that.
Yet, there were the spectacular moments of our February expedition as well, the ventures to Lake Titicaca and Machu Picchu (elaborated on in other posts) and our trip to Vilcabamba. We all agreed that Vilcabamba was a little slice of heaven where, nestled in and surrounded by mountainous views, we enjoyed some massages, much needed R & R and the most spectacular horseback riding adventure. And what would an adventure be without my family enjoying a good laugh at my expense. This most amazing excursion was a horseback ride through the mountainous terrain. I could not believe the trek that our guide took us on. It gave me a new appreciation for these sure-footed beasts of burden. They took every treacherous step with nary a complaint. The views were spectacular and save for my frantic calls for help when my horse refused to cross the river and almost ended up downstream, it was incident free. Though not funny at the time, while everyone else’s horse traversed the river, my horse hesitated. Being the last one to cross, all others were already headed up the mountain as my horse struggled to fend off the current that was taking us downstream. My cries for help went unanswered and increased with intensity. But finally the guide returned and with a swift whack on the butt (of the horse, not me) and we were headed back upstream, across the river and onward to our desired destination. In what was a rebuke of my manhood, I was instructed that I had to man up, take charge and show the horse that I was in charge. The episode continues to provide comic fodder for my family as they must retell it to everyone we see. I can only be so lucky to provide such entertainment to mi familia. Yet, on another trip, it was Garrett who entertained us with his best impersonation of a turtle washing up on shore while Grant impressed his parents by joining us on a long distance run. It was a month to remember these shared moments of joy that overshadowed the troubled times.
Because we felt that we were not spending enough time together as a family, we decided to take the boys out of school and to “home school” them. I put home school in quotes because much of it did not take place at home, and I am not too sure how much school they actually received. However, given their experiences at school, and our desire to spend even more time together, it seemed like the logical choice. Our home schooling started off well with trips to museums and cultural sites in Cuenca. Garrett thought this phase was awesome – so much better than the “copy what’s on the board and test on it tomorrow” that he had at CEBI (their private, bi-lingual school in Ambato). Yet, the devil is in the details, as follow through proved problematic. I really wanted to home school our children…be careful what you ask for.
Home schooling proved to be a great big challenge and I am not sure we were up to the task. Under “normal” circumstances it can be a challenge, yet we had unique challenges – our 24/7 existence, traveling together, living together, working together, and now teaching together. We tried to do some interesting assignments - incorporating our travels with research and writing – combining history, culture, science and language arts. But as Grant said (jokingly, I hope), “home schooling is okay except for his classmate and his teachers.” And as I’ve said before, “teaching would be great if it wasn’t for the students.” However, it’s nothing that years of therapy, and a lot of tutoring, can’t correct. Yet, as so many people have said, it will be the other learning experiences that they were getting that would make it worthwhile. I am counting on that.
In addition to the linguistic challenges and the school bullying, Grant and Garrett had to adapt to many cultural differences, trials and tribulations (and being with their parents all the time, enough to make even the surliest adolescent quiver). It was during one of those many family hours spent together where Grant and Garrett aired their frustrations with each other. Yet, what was revealed was that their frustration was a result of the parents’ failure to lay down rules and expectations. Grant had been given more responsibilities - helping with Spanish translations, relaying our daily communications to Garrett – and Garrett felt frustrated that his older brother had become domineering, and subsequently Garrett responded accordingly. So in what will undoubtedly come out in those years of therapy, they weren’t really mad at each other, they were mad at us, and rightly so. It was an important home schooling lesson for the parents.
The most joyous part of all this family time was the opportunity to see our two boys grow up into responsible young men and to take on the challenges that would test even those of a more advanced age (like their parents?). Not having friends to hang out with or places to chill, they continued to make the best of it. Grant (and to a lesser degree Garrett) had become bi-lingual, and served as our interpreter for the latter half of the year and was able to provide support and understanding to all of us for the challenges that we faced. Garrett came out of his shell and took on risks and showed us a zest for life and how to get the most out of our experience. He was the first to hop on a horse, throw on snorkeling gear or jump into a go-cart. And while Greer and I did not always see eye to eye on things, we are in agreement that this was undoubtedly a worthwhile and positive experience. I think we would also agree that “family time” was the most significant, albeit unintended, consequence.